My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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