I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
