I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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