"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
