I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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