I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
