Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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