Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
