Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
FUCK WHALES
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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