At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
