his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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