sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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