....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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