WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
