I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
