Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
