just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
