I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
