nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
