did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
