I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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