Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize