I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
