I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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