I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
