oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
