Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
