Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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