She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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