He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
why is half of my head shaved?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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