She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
