Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
