I think im going to throw up on grandma
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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