I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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