I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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