Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
