I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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