How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize