So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
