yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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