At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
