Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
