I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize