I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
