How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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