my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
