I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
