i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize