I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
