Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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