Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
