I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize