I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
