I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
