help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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