thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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