booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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