I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize