If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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