someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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