Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
