he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
