he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
