There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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