I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
did you just send me my own nude
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
