My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
