Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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