You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
