there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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