Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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