i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
