theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
